It’s easier to get on show business, the hard part is to maintain. Nobody stays famous forever.
Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession.
Funny is only something that others know about you – you can’t be funny by yourself.
The government doesn’t want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.
My movies are okay, but they’re not my specials.
The thing about having an audience right there laughing is that critics can write what they want, but the proof is right there in front of you.
I always say about my daughters, they save me from my miserable self. They take me out, you know, a comedian, you could live in your head a lot. And you’re writing and you’re doubting. But when I’m with my kids and my family, it’s all about them.
You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.
Men do not settle down. Men surrender.
Movies have takes. But plays are like life – you don’t really get takes.
I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like “How do I make this stuff funny?”
I think my best work is when I’m kind of in charge.
Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.
My mother is the kind of woman you don’t want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
When you have kids, there’s no such thing as quality time. There’s just time. There’s no, ‘Ooh, his graduation’s better than going to the mall.’ It’s all kind of equal. Changing her diaper and her winning a contest – it’s all good.
The thing I try to get across to the writers – and I do a lot of writing, too – is that when I do stand-up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny.
Emotional affairs, those are the only real affairs; those are the real ones.
No matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from, if you go, ‘Hey, man, women are crazy,’ you’ve got a friend.
I believe you have my property!
When you’re doing a big-budget movie and you’re four on the call sheet, you’ve got a lot of free time.