Osama’s dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can’t I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn’t mind.
If you want something bad enough, you’ve got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
I’m thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I’ve tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Divorce is just about change, you know. It’s God saying, You need a change. And I’m going to make it so your bank account only has change.
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.
We don’t have home movies in my family. We have people’s exhibit A.
I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.
Step up or step aside.
Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
Benadryl – the seven-dollar babysitter.
Terrorists, oh I’m sorry, Fox News tells us it’s all illegal immagration’s fault but it’s not their fault, it’s ours.
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.
Lady, if you laugh and you don’t make a noise, you’re a shaker, and it’s freaking me out.
My random acts of violence weren’t random. They were premeditated.
You don’t give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That’s a communist idea. You don’t get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
My mum is in a mental hospital. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.
We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.