Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
Revenge is good. It’s what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn’t, you’ll be too hammered to remember.
I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he’s too big to eat.
Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn’t die?
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you’ve gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I’m okay with that, ’cause I’m an ignorant, pushy people person.
Sisters ruin everything. It’s in their job description.
Life, is easy. And if yours isn’t, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you’re just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don’t know how you roll out of bed every morning.
My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum’s mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork ’cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How’s the baby?
Fighting Dad’s not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you’ve just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn’t know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We’re not losers.
In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.
Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It’s all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch ’em. They’re cooking up something.
Humans are born, weak and helpless. We’re cursed with natural predators called parents. That’s why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she’s old and frail. But she can kick your dad’s ass.