At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha.
Clint Eastwood doesn’t moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
My dad’s full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I’m out!
I swore I would never get involved in my dad’s life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he’s my dad, I can’t send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph.
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who’s got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty – mmm mmm.
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad’s armed with a brick.
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate.
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we’ll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can’t keep having them!
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn’t a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.