Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there’s someone out there who’s your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, You gotta nail her!
Martha Stewart’s a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What’s next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Oh yeah, I’m mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.
I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee and die.
I don’t fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn’t work.
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don’t get another one after that.
My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn’t.
You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle’s 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
My dad invented road rage. He wasn’t the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I’ve completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.