Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, ‘I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.’
Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don’t understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.
Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna be the new governor of California. During his acceptance speech Arnold said ‘I will not let you down.’ Unfortunately, at the time Arnold was holding a woman over his head and looking up her dress.
In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies.
It’s been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.
Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.
Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the ‘tush push.’
The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company’s low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won’t eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.
Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off.
Happy Cinco de Mayo! It’s a holiday that’s as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center’s Mexican food pavilion.
In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography.
Over the weekend, former Enron executives Jeffrey Skilling and Rebecca Carter married each other during a huge ceremony in Houston. The happy couple is planning to honeymoon for three weeks in front of Congress.
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama’s speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face.
A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.
The Chinese government launched China’s first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they’ve decided to call it Fox News.
Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn’t doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.
Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.
So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.
Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we’re going to keep Obamacare.