I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it’s very nice to be back home in front of all of you capitalist pigs.
House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, ‘Now can I go to Elton John’s Oscar party?’
On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with – Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn’t wait to hear his suggestions.
During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, ‘She’s right, I can’t live like this. I can’t take another second of this living hell.’
The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a ‘Kanye moment.’ Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.
Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, ‘He sure sounds presidentiary to me.’
NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he’s not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.
Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams.
Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady’s giving his truck toSeahawks coach Pete Carroll.
President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.
Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated in Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year after the game the Super Bowl MVPshouted, ‘No way am I going to Disneyland!’
Utah could elect its first black Republican woman to Congress. In other words, Utah finally got one black person and the first thing they want to do is send her to Washington.
A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that.
In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.
The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, ‘The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.’ Then he said, ‘And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.’
During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam.
Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.
Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.
Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people.
Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.