Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.
Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people.
Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.
In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, Sea World said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, killer whales said, ‘Hey, you know what’s a larger habitat?’ THE OCEAN.
According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.
For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama told her, ‘You are all set. This country never turns against a black anything.’
The Republican Party had a big day in yesterday’s midterm elections and now controls the House and Senate. And don’t ask me how this happened, but the Republican Party also gained control of three seats in our show’s band.
President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, ‘After those midterms, it’s nice to finally see a friendly face.’
The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’
When all else fails there’s always delusion.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’
In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn’t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
I hate cynicism – it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere.
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as ‘Slutty Madeleine Albright.’
In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.
Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood.