The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.
I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don’t.
A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name ‘Speedo.’ It doesn’t sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they’re smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
I’m not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer – I’m a dragon irritater.
Oprah’s quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.
Director Oliver Stone says he’s going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can’t believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
I aim to please. I’m nothing if not a vaudevillian.
I’ve got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn’t brave enough to be insane.
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
I’m reading a book, because I’m brainy. No, it is a book – if you don’t know, it is like a blog except bigger.
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
If I start giving people what they like I’ll turn into one of them and I don’t want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I’m like,’Come on, you’ve got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.