If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
I think I’ll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn’t I be a goofy Glaswegian?
President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.
My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It’s called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear – we looked like marbles smugglers.
Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
Is it really that important? It’s just television, for God’s sake. It’s not medicine or something.
Tomorrow is your future’s yesterday.
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It’s easy, it’s cheap, and it’s the American way.
I’m so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.
Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.
Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
There’s something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn’t all aromatherapy and scented candles.
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things – a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.
I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.