People sometimes say to me: “Craig, get out of my garden.”
Wait! Don’t applaud my cheapness! I’ve got other crap I need help with!
I have a beard. Just not on my face...
I only like sports that Bond villains played.
If it doesn’t work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.
The virus in the movie ‘Contagion’ is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I’m talking about President Obama.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time’s Person of the Year. I’m sorry if you don’t recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis.
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator.
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
I think I’ll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn’t I be a goofy Glaswegian?
President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.
My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It’s called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear – we looked like marbles smugglers.
Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
Is it really that important? It’s just television, for God’s sake. It’s not medicine or something.