The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know – things and stuff.
I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.
I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you.
Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic – or a good one depending on your point of view.
If you know anything about me – and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It’s amazing. Now I can vote in the general election – and for American Idol.
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...
I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn’t understand. I actually think that’s part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.
The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
It’s a great day for America, everybody! It’s Monday, woo.
Ocean’s 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn’t want to see that? Well you, apparantly, ’cause you’re watching me.
I know that’s not the right accent, but I can’t do the right accent. It’s either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.
Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.
If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.
There’s just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what’s actually, physically, going on.