Tomorrow is your future’s yesterday.
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It’s easy, it’s cheap, and it’s the American way.
I’m so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.
Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.
Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
There’s something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn’t all aromatherapy and scented candles.
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things – a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.
I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.
The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during ‘Spongebob Squarepants.’
Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I’m sober, and I’ve got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.
Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana – conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’
Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She’s going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.
Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.
From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.
In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.