North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.
The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during ‘Spongebob Squarepants.’
Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I’m sober, and I’ve got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.
Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana – conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’
Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She’s going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.
Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.
From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.
In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know – things and stuff.
I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.
I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you.
Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic – or a good one depending on your point of view.
If you know anything about me – and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It’s amazing. Now I can vote in the general election – and for American Idol.
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...