Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn’t been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
It’s tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.
Technically my dog’s naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
I’m a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don’t need to wear a tie.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
You know when you’re a kid and you think, ‘Oh no, I’ve got double math, this is never gonna end,’ but then it ends, and it’s like it never happened? That’s like life.
People sometimes say to me: “Craig, get out of my garden.”
Wait! Don’t applaud my cheapness! I’ve got other crap I need help with!
I have a beard. Just not on my face...
I only like sports that Bond villains played.
If it doesn’t work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.
The virus in the movie ‘Contagion’ is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I’m talking about President Obama.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time’s Person of the Year. I’m sorry if you don’t recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis.
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator.