You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.
The 3-D effects in “Star Wars” are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
Sober alkies are often asked: When did you hit rock bottom? but a more informed question might be: How many times did you hit rock bottom?
I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.
I don’t know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It’s not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it’s celebrities.
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
Don’t hit women. Never, ever, ever.
New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can’t make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.
Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.
The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.
Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.
Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn’t been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
It’s tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.
Technically my dog’s naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
I’m a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don’t need to wear a tie.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
You know when you’re a kid and you think, ‘Oh no, I’ve got double math, this is never gonna end,’ but then it ends, and it’s like it never happened? That’s like life.