I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like “Dude, you have abandonment issues”
I need to develop some patience – immediately.
To me, comedy is a game.
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.
Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.
Clowns have no respect for pie.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. ‘Are you Cinnamon Buns?’ ‘You bet your sweet ass I am.’
This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that’s the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. “That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics” “Oh yeah, that’s cool, i wanna watch the fat guy” “Come on dude, you can take that hill”
I think they named the orange before the carrot.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.