The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It’s nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What’s it doing? It’s eating ants. DONE!
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said “I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent.”
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said “Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear”. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God’s living by the motto ‘If at first you don’t succeed.’
Sometimes I feel like I’m making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I’m not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, “Yeah, get him!” She got all mad at me. I was like, “I’m on your side here.”
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who’s just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you’re vegan, you’re annoying.
There’s an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don’t know it. I don’t speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it’s relevant to what I’m going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?