It’s not enough to say I’m sorry. You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying I’m single.
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’
After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don’t want tacos! Maybe.
I’ve heard of many chocoholics, but I ain’t never seen no “chocohol”. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don’t understand word endings. They’re probably “over-workaholled”.
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?