I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don’t want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons.
You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special – or even just what’s worth touring with.
The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.
There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I’m like, “Done, next!”
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it’s at least a little bit funny.