When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
At the battle of the bands the loser’s always the audience.
Don’t talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one way street is that?
I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.
They say it’s lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
It turns out dentists don’t like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.
Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I’m really good at checkers. That’s the same thing as saying, I’m not good at very many things.
I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that’s just like bringing more cake into the world.
It seems that man’s greatest natural enemy is the target.
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.