When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don’t know how to speak.
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I’m not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years – if I just wait – the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it’s so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.
My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films – writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers...
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
One thing I learned is that it’s never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy – even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
When I first heard the term ‘training bra,’ I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, ‘Did you just say training bra? They’re training their chests? I had no idea.’ See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. ‘What’s her deal?’ Those are untrained titties.
It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.
I’ve never read an article of clothing.
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.