You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.
There are two kinds of jackets – reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.
When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.