About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
What I’ve learned about my self over the years is that I’m pretty restless. If I multitask it’s probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be a master at anything, but I think that’s a mistake for me personally. I don’t know how much it’s about the journey, but it’s more about the process.
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don’t have a napkin.
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you’ve been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I’m sometimes confused.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, ‘Got it!’ And then I run away.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.