A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment’s messy I need to clean it. It’s like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I’ve ever seen.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’
I’m very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy – probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who’s weaker than you.
Another thing that I like and that’s fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I’m learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it’s a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.