I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’
I wasn’t the class clown, but I was starting to become the “crazy guy” at law school, which is the guy who is not so much “crazy” as “annoying.”
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I’m looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I’m on the right track.
I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I’m not doing song parodies or funny songs, I’m just adding some music to my words. So it’s limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, “Cool, that one works”.
I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you’d need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn’t have something that clicked right away.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.