My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice!’
Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’
Most stick people are black.
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don’t think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don’t often make it to the microphone.
I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn’t understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed.
It’s very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you’re dead, and I’m going to say that’s got to be a letdown.
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.
I am a comedian but it’s usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That’s strange.
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.