The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
If I think of a joke that’s really dirty and I think it’s funny I’ll try it but what I’ve found over the years is they just don’t laugh. It doesn’t work coming out of my mouth so it’s like they taught me ‘don’t do that. Don’t go that way or you’ll lose me.’
Parades are man’s attempt to make traffic exciting.
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It’s essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
As a comic, I think I’m very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I’ve written or thought up and how I say it.
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there’s something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.
I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.
It’s interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
My friend says touche way too much. He’s a touche bag.
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
My family was fine, it’s just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
When I stub my toe it’s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.