I don’t usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.
I’ve learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture’s attracted to squiggles.
When there’s someone who’s dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don’t understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
I think there’s a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you’re a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous ’cause dogs don’t have arms. If you’re going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.
I want to make a revolving door that says ‘Pull’ on it, just see how obedient people are.
I think it’s cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it’s perfect for eyebrows.
Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.
You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it’s okay.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
When I was younger, I’d get very empirical with myself. “I have a hypothesis about myself. I’ll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I’ll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball.” So I’d try. “Conclusion: I cannot play basketball.”
The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.
I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Right before I’m about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.