It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
The problem with most people, is that they are most people.
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it’s done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that’s what makes life hopeful.
Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A’s.
I wasn’t even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know – a lot of my friends are comedians – they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the ’80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
I think, at first blush, the ’60s always enticed me. There’s something about the ’60s, it’s not hard to like it.
I’ve often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn’t like me that way. I’ve definitely done time in the friend zone.
I love motor learning because it’s very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
I don’t usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.
I’ve learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture’s attracted to squiggles.