I wanna design a video game where you’d have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
I do come across people who don’t like me, don’t like my comedy, don’t think it’s funny, it’s too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it’s like, ‘Okay. That’s your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that’s good.’ Hopefully it balances out.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don’t go camping anymore.
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them – say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.
A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend – until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, ‘Good for you.’
Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.
Let no man’s deathbed be a futon.
I like people, for a little while.
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you’re dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.