Whenever I try to spell ‘banana,’ I feel stupid because I don’t know when to end it.
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
I don’t have to kill myself, time is going to do that.
What’s this about rice milk? I didn’t even know rice had nipples!
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.
I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn’t one of them.
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it’s ok to drop a turtle.
You never forget your first kiss. And that’s what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
I’m so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That’s none of your business.
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.