You know what’s the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it’s correcting yourself. No, better yet, it’s making lists.
I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade – especially if they’re crappy kids.’
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
The earth without art is just eh.
Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Vampires probably don’t have great breath.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
I have an air mattress. It’s great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
I like parties, but I don’t like pinatas, because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals: ‘Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzaz. Let’s kick his ass!’
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.