Violence doesn’t solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn’t solve anything?
The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.
It sucks being fat, you know.
Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn’t believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.
Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.
The TV season is a year-long thing now, and the networks are starting to look at it that way, thanks to cable, satellites, and competition.
I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.
When I’m working, I’m going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I’m just going to do creative work.
I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.
I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.
Look, this is an odd question, but you’re kind of cute and you’re pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It’s OK if you are.
My cranky cardiologist says I’m destined to die in the kitchen.
I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.
I wish I could end every rap song I didn’t like with a buzzer.
Trust me, kids – your homework can wait. Don’t need to be doing homework while Whose Line is on; skip it!
On other shows when they get to the end of the scene, they yell ‘Cut!’ On Whose Line, we yell ‘That’s Enough!’
Libertarians are conservatives who still get high.
You know what I worry about? I worry that when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain, and it will eventually kill me.
I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.