When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I’m a man. And I can take the wetness!
I’m from Downer’s Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn’t mind, but it tickles so much!
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can’t help but rush your timing.
I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ‘Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.
People always ask me, ‘Where were you when Kennedy was shot?’ Well, I don’t have an alibi.
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
I love England. In fact, they’re getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
I have a lot more things to talk about now because I’m an adult.