Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn’t have his hands tied to his ankles?
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’
When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
Ambiguity – the Devil’s volleyball.
I went into the gas station, said, Fill ’er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, ‘I’ll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I’ll be famous.’ So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
I don’t have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that’ll save some time.
But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy...
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it’s on December 25th.
If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk – I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.