I’ve always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back...
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there’s nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist’s instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he’s the one between tunes that makes announcements.
If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can’t continue with the “urbane sophisticate” ’til the day I die.
In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted “should I yay him or nay him?” pantywaist ever again.
Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Isn’t this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I’m staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It’s run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That’s what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution – ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.