I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
I don’t know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I’ll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.
I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother’s passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he’s learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.
They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.