Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
I pray a simple prayer every morning. It’s an ecumenical prayer. Whether you’re Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
People come up to me and say, ‘Emo, do people really come up to you?’
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?
Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.