You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.