I’ve been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.
I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it’s stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.