There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Cats invented self-esteem.
When humor go’s, there go’s civilization.
It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.
Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation’s compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Children make your life important.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ‘Checkout Time is 18 years.’
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren’t dying. They’re merging into big conglomerates.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.