There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Children make your life important.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ‘Checkout Time is 18 years.’
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren’t dying. They’re merging into big conglomerates.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.
I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn’t even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.