Never have more children than you have car windows.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.
I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn’t even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
It was a bitter moment for us. We weren’t two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy’s permission, blessings, and money to survive.
When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, ‘No thank you’ to desert that night. And for what?!
Housework can kill you if done right.
Shopping is a woman thing. It’s a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.