Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.
Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there...
Spend at least one Mother’s Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Family life got better and we got our car back – as soon as we put ‘I love Mom’ on the license plate.
If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
Every puppy should have a boy.
I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.