Family life got better and we got our car back – as soon as we put ‘I love Mom’ on the license plate.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
Every puppy should have a boy.
I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
Pregnancy is the only time in a woman’s life she can help God work a miracle.
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.
I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.