My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.
In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.
Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there...
Spend at least one Mother’s Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.