A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.
In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.