Life is so absurd now that it is almost impossible to be a satirist in this era.
It would also have been helpful to have gone to a Catholic grammar school. The only people who know grammar are those people who went to Catholic grammar school. Those nuns beat it into them.
It’s much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It’s harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears.
I could not possibly be in a relationship now for more than six days. When I was younger, I might have said six months, although I think the longest relationship I was ever in was three years.
Perhaps one of the more noteworthy trends of our time is the occupation of buildings accompanied by the taking of hostages. The perpetrators of these deeds are generally motivated by political grievance, social injustice, and the deeply felt desire to see how they look on TV.
What I can’t be is monogamous. That tends to upset people. I just don’t like domestic life.
The second I learned to read in first grade, when I was 5, I preferred it to life. And I still do.
If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer – not a book.
Telling someone he looks healthy isn’t a compliment – it’s a second opinion.
In New York we have zillions of different kinds of people, many of them hate each other, but violence based on that hatred is really uncommon here.
I doubt there’s ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.
I write a sentence a thousand times, changing it all the time to look at it in different ways.
I always liked people who are older. Of course, every year it gets harder to find them.
You sit or stand in the subway, and you look around – I do, because I don’t have a phone so I’m not playing a game – and you see people.
It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
Communists all seem to wear small caps, a look I consider better suited to tubes of toothpaste than to people.
Democracy is an interesting, even laudable, notion and there is no question but that when compared to Communism, which is too dull, or Fascism, which is too exciting, it emerges as the most palatable form of government.
Cheese that is required by law to append the word food to its title does not go well with red wine or fruit.
There’s nothing like being old to be sure of everything.
The Word Lady: Most Often Used to Describe Someone You Wouldn’t Want to Talk to for Even Five Minutes.