Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.
The best fame is a writer’s fame. It’s enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.
Ever since I was a little child, I refused to see movies of books that I loved. Because you already know what Heidi looks like and she doesn’t look like Shirley Temple.
I hate money. It is boring and it is arithmetic. The two things I hate the most.
Life is so absurd now that it is almost impossible to be a satirist in this era.
It would also have been helpful to have gone to a Catholic grammar school. The only people who know grammar are those people who went to Catholic grammar school. Those nuns beat it into them.
It’s much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It’s harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears.
I could not possibly be in a relationship now for more than six days. When I was younger, I might have said six months, although I think the longest relationship I was ever in was three years.
Perhaps one of the more noteworthy trends of our time is the occupation of buildings accompanied by the taking of hostages. The perpetrators of these deeds are generally motivated by political grievance, social injustice, and the deeply felt desire to see how they look on TV.
What I can’t be is monogamous. That tends to upset people. I just don’t like domestic life.
The second I learned to read in first grade, when I was 5, I preferred it to life. And I still do.
If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer – not a book.
Telling someone he looks healthy isn’t a compliment – it’s a second opinion.
In New York we have zillions of different kinds of people, many of them hate each other, but violence based on that hatred is really uncommon here.
I doubt there’s ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.
I write a sentence a thousand times, changing it all the time to look at it in different ways.
I always liked people who are older. Of course, every year it gets harder to find them.
You sit or stand in the subway, and you look around – I do, because I don’t have a phone so I’m not playing a game – and you see people.