I was brought up imagining that cream rises to the top, merit wins out, the race is to the swift and riches to men of understanding, but it ain’t necessarily so. The swift stand a better chance if they are also beautiful.
The mass of men lead lives of shallow happiness; the superior man exults in his gloom.
Give guilt – the gift that lasts forever.
Marriage, friends, is a lifelong feast; love is no light lunch.
I talk in subjects and verbs, and sort of wind around in concentric circles until I get far enough away from the beginning so that I can call it the end, and it ends.
I was an English major at the University of Minnesota, and I was very shy, which many people misinterpreted as intelligence. On the basis of that wrong impression, I became the editor of the campus literary magazine.
I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme.
I love rhymes; I love to write a poem about New York and rhyme ‘oysters’ with ‘The Cloisters.’ And ‘The lady from Knoxville who bought her brassieres by the boxful.’ I just feel a sort of small triumph.
The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You want to be the first to come up with the idea. You don’t want to wait until you trip and fall off the stage.
Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we’ve gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.
I can write anywhere. I write in airports. I write on airplanes. I’ve written in the back seats of taxis. I write in hotel rooms. I love hotel rooms. I just write wherever I am whenever I need to write.
A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.
I loved feeling special. I hated feeling special.
Don’t pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.
When it comes to finding available men in Minnesota, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
For me, the monologue was the favorite thing I had done in radio. It was based on writing, but in the end it was radio, it was standing up and leaning forward into the dark and talking, letting words come out of you.
Those people on daytime TV talking about how their parents never gave them the positive feedback they needed and that’s why they shot them- those are not Minnesotans.
To Norwegians, the polka is a form of martial art.
This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don’t read books.