You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.
The funniest line in English is ‘Get it?’ When you say that, everyone chortles.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
You don’t have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you.
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
Librarians, Dusty, possess a vast store of politeness. These are people who get asked regularly the dumbest questions on God’s green earth. These people tolerate every kind of crank and eccentric and mouth breather there is.
Being Lutheran, Mother believed that self-pity is a deadly sin and so is nostalgia, and she had no time for either.
Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.
I remember when I switched from Christmas to sex as the secret of happiness...
Powdermilk biscuits: Heavens, they’re tasty and expeditious! They’re made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It’s not the point of the thing, is it?
English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.
Your life is a work of art, and in the end, the underlying theme of great art is bravery and hope and love.
Humor is not about problems with airline luggage handlers. It’s about our lives in America and it’s about the ends of our lives and it’s about everything that happens after that and everything that happened before.
People do what they are told not to do. It happens time and time again. Here on the frozen tundra, it is known as the Tongue on the Frozen Pump Handle principle.
Pumpkin pie is a living symbol of mediocrity. The best pumpkin pie you ever ate wasn’t all that much different from the worst pumpkin pie you ever ate.
Liberalism is dead, so dead that Democrats have all become moderate Republicans, and the heavy hand of Big Government is now limp and damp and trembly.
I don’t have a great eye for detail. I leave blanks in all of my stories. I leave out all detail, which leaves the reader to fill in something better.
I was brought up imagining that cream rises to the top, merit wins out, the race is to the swift and riches to men of understanding, but it ain’t necessarily so. The swift stand a better chance if they are also beautiful.
The mass of men lead lives of shallow happiness; the superior man exults in his gloom.