People are always asking me how much I’m worth. Well, all I can say is, I’ve got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
I smoke cigars because at my age if I don’t have something to hang on to I might fall down.
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
This is all so exciting I’ve decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.
What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.
I don’t worry about getting old. I’m old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn’t go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.
I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you’re 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I’ve been retired all my life.
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you’d cheat with some ugly girl.
There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.
It’s one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you’ve been, there’s always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
I’d rather be over the hill than under it.
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould’s been trying that for forty years.
When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.
Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.