It’s no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren’t what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
People are always asking me when I’m going to retire. Why should I? I’ve got it two ways – I’m still making movies, and I’m a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.
And God said ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.’
Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.
Everyday happiness means you can’t wait to come home, because the soup is hot.
Age to me means nothing. I can’t get old; I’m working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you’re working, you stay young. When I’m in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
If I had taken my doctor’s advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn’t have lived to go to his funeral.