At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish’s family.
Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I’m older than most western countries.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.
Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.
Life’s but a day at most.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
I thought to myself, ‘why not write a bestseller?’ In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.
It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.
If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.
This is the sixth book I’ve written, which isn’t bad for a guy who’s only read two.
Say Goodnight Gracie.
When I wasn’t working, I put the blame directly where it belonged – I blamed my agent. When I didn’t have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.