Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.
I’m just saying, tonight, if you’re going through a breakup and you’re drinking, don’t call. Just don’t do it. Don’t call. Because here’s the thing: booze has information in it!
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase ‘there might be cake.’ I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else’s boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID – for cake.
My wife’s beautiful. That’s why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.
I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume – ’cause if you’ve manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don’t grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.
I’m no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I’m using real butter.
There are three kinda men in the world. There’s men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
Most people don’t want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
It’s time to stop pretending I’m ok with things I’m not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
She didn’t love me that much, but she moved in with me. That’s a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That’s a minus.
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.
I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.
Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you’re with is a big, selfish jerk.
I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.
Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.
He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.
If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.