Cheating gets easier every time it’s done. It’s only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone’s trust.
Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he’s getting on with his life without you?
If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.
I’m just saying, tonight, if you’re going through a breakup and you’re drinking, don’t call. Just don’t do it. Don’t call. Because here’s the thing: booze has information in it!
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase ‘there might be cake.’ I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else’s boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID – for cake.
My wife’s beautiful. That’s why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.
I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume – ’cause if you’ve manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don’t grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.
I’m no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I’m using real butter.
There are three kinda men in the world. There’s men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
Most people don’t want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
It’s time to stop pretending I’m ok with things I’m not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
She didn’t love me that much, but she moved in with me. That’s a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That’s a minus.
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.
I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.
Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you’re with is a big, selfish jerk.
I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.
Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.